Even though I’ve worked in the NHS for over 30 years in a non-clinical role, it never ceases to amaze me how we expect doctors to somehow be apart from the rest of us. That there’s another universe where they’re not their role but a normal human beings with children, messy relationships, failing parents and health issues. I do agree that there’s great peace to be had with accepting a decision over which you have no control. Thank you for sharing this.
I’m forever amazed at how many of my husbands patients don’t realise he’s not perfect, he’s not as gently understanding once he walks in the door of home as he is (apparently) during appointments. For the 10-15 minutes they see him, they think they have a pretty good understanding of his personality-and they probably do -but it’s his ‘work personality’. No person can be expected to be like that in all areas of their lives. We all wear different hats at work and then at home. We’ve been married well over 30years.
I’ve always found it a bit funny that he counsels women when they are depressed about their husbands doing whatever terrible thing they are. I’ve often thought I should make an appointment and plonk down my Medicare card. I’m not sure I’d be bulk billed either. I have my own GP appointment this afternoon. His wife probably gets a different version of him at home -to what I do during my ten minutes. He very kindly bulk bills me out of courtesy, because my husband is a GP. That’s a lovely and appreciated bonus.
Meanwhile our first Grandchild arrived recently. I think it’s lovely that the new Grandpa can call in on his way home from work and check his tiny patch of excema on that beautiful baby. Grandson. Swap hats again and then come home. Putting on the ‘home hat’. Get up the next day, rinse and repeat.
That’s so insightful and I totally agree, both about what my husband is like and myself as well. Your husband is lucky to have such an understanding wife. Thank you for this deep insight and massive congratulations to you on the birth of your grandchild. How wonderful!
OF COURSE, sometimes the plot thickens. Add to that, we have a special needs son -our youngest of three. Forgive me if this is TMI. PLEASE feel free to delete the post if you wish. He is autistic -but has cerebral palsy as well. The cerebral palsy is almost certainly a result of a nasty placental issue (grade 4 percreta) requiring a classical C-Section -as opposed to a LUSCS. Not sure how many of those are still done but it almost certainly saved both my life and our sons. Sometimes we have to be grateful for the things that go right..instead of reacting to the things that go left….err….wrong.
I was relieved that I got away with uterus intact even though the placenta and huge blood vessels remained insitu, basically bc trying to remove them would have seen me bleeding to death. Not the best outcome really. My husband has done shared care -obstetric. I think it’s been difficult for him seeing all these healthy pregnancies etc coming through his clinic. I’m shielded from that and just focus on our family at home as best I can. The hardest part for me was signing a piece of paper saying I knew there was a chance I might not survive the surgery. Cerebral palsy was never mentioned -it was all the potential things that could have happened to me that was the focus, including delivering in a non maternity hospital so I had access to ICU. He’s now 18, in a wheelchair and has never known life without CP. It has been difficult for his older siblings that went from having a ‘normal’ Mum to having a Mum that had Medical issues due to the new babies delivery. I’ll spare you those details.
What amazed me is the number of ppl (including friends and even some Medical colleagues) that didn’t understand why we didn’t sue the Doctor/s. No amount of possibly ruining someone’s career, OR ANY amount of money was ever going to ‘undo’ cerebral palsy’, nor was it going to undo my issues. The idea that someone always has to be to blame. -we are in Australia-and heading to a place about as litigious as the US. I’m just grateful we both survived -bc two other children could have grown up without a Mum. Has it been easy watching all the surgeries for spastic diplegia CP? No, but sometimes things that are difficult to cope with happen. No one knows that better than you do. Onward and Upward ⚜️✨⚜️✨⚜️
Thanks Moira, I really enjoyed reading your post. It’s slowly getting better that people don’t put Doctors on pedestals quite the way they used to, but there are still definitely older patients that do whatever the Doctor says. Good thing he didn’t get too used to that eh. Our daughter is a Nurse. She didn’t look up in awe to the Consultants, the way some of the other student Nurses did. I guess that comes from living with one and seeing they really are just people with a very special job. The Nurses do a pretty amazing job too.
I find it very interesting that we can convince ourselves that something that we don't want has to happen, to the extent where we work through the process in detail and then, relatively easily, can be reassured that it wasn't necessary after all. How often do patients go through that process?
I went through several imaginary consultations with a neurosurgeon, the imaginary urgent surgical removal of a slipped cervical disc and a rather stormy, imaginary post-operative period before seeing my general practitioner. She agreed to send me for a scan which didn't show much, but completely cured my symptoms.
Do you think you might have reacted differently if you had seen the cardiologist face-to-face with the echocardiogram report rather than receiving it and the multidisciplinary team meeting conclusions by an impersonal email?
I love and appreciate your reaction to the diagnosis you received, his reaction to the case, what you learned about yourself as a human and a doctor, and how it shapes your perspective now.
Ohhh My Goodness!! That’s not the sort of thing that you’d ordinarily expect your ‘inbox’ to surprise you with. Heart surgery in the next few years, and in the meantime, you should get on and enjoy your life? Can’t really think of a scarier email to receive myself.
Those of us that aren’t in the Medical profession might make the dreadful mistake of consulting ‘Dr Google’, that always seems to go to worst case scenario first, or is that just what we happen to spy -and read first. Trying not to panic. Sometimes ignorance really is bliss, and I’ve found myself feeling sorry for the medical profession at times when finding out (confronting)information about their own health -as you did, or finding out information about a family member and being asked ‘What does that all mean?” What should I do?”
Could easily become a mini consult without all the information and test results you might need to give the advice you’d usually give at work. Add to that the emotional tie to that particular family member. Guess there’s a reason they say ‘Don’t give family members medical advice….or is it ‘DONT TREAT family members? Medical ‘advice’ can be rather a different thing. Like giving a friend ‘advice’ about some small dilemma in their lives. In our case, it’s often asked for, (what do you think that mole is?) but rarely offered unsolicited…and when it is, it’s more likely to be ‘you need to do more exercise’.
All in all you’re completely correct -least I think . We have surprisingly little control over what happens to us. Maybe it’s the lack of that control that is what causes the anxiety? I guess that’s where “Faith’ comes in -and I don’t necessarily mean ‘religion’. But Faith or ‘HOPE’ that things will work out. Sadly, bad things happen to good people all the time. You only have to open Instagram to see posts from parents dealing with grief from losing a child that had cancer that wasn’t able to be ‘cured’, or it came back after initial treatment looked promising. It’s heartbreaking.
I think of the Doctors that had to break that news to those parents and their child. I think of the Nurses that came in after the Doctor had been called to another patient, whether they wanted to go or not. The nurses sitting there trying to console, or give hope, or hand over tissues. Sometimes when my husband comes home from work (GP) and he’s lost a patient. Someone whose family he has treated for decades. Someone who has very kindly given our family boxes of chocolates or a bottle of alcohol at Christmas -or the very sweet wife that has hand made beautiful little biscuits that we ate with our kids whilst opening gifts in front of our blinking lights tree.
I can understand why it’s so hard to lose patients. Often they have seen more of them at times than they have their own family, and vulnerable times at that during Home visits when the patient was too sick to attend the surgery. etc. He can return that patients medical file to work (once small cardboard and paper rectangles that were covered in my husband’s writing. Different colours for different days and years. Some words underlined. All with the date in front of a new entry. They have now all been computerised. He doesn’t usually mention those patients unless he attends the funeral, and there aren’t many of those. They stay forever linked in eachothers lives/famillies, even if they never meet his wife, children, and now Grandchild. Doesn’t make the link any less important.
He can most definitely shut the Computer to come and watch TV with his family, but the memories of all those patients remain. Wish you all the very best with your own Medical journey Gabriel. Both personally and professionally. Sorry I didn’t mean for this post to end up so long.
I love it. I’ve woken to a still sea, a blue sky and your lovely and perceptive messages. Thanks so much for taking the time to read my pieces and share your experiences.
Thanks Sonia. Funny thing is, I have 3 books published in the US (as well as here). But no-one has really heard of me stateside, so they aren’t bought much. Thanks for your support.
Where do I start?? Direct Red, Dirty work or Alive?? All are on audible and I can’t wait ti listen to all three!! But which one first?? Congratulations on being a published author! Im embarrassed I didn’t realise how famous you are. Now I know. We are also the same age.
Thanks for sharing! Sounds like a good book to explore. I'll put it on my reading list. When I first arrived in recovery, one of the first things I was asked was if I believed in God. I didn't. Then I was asked if I thought I was God. I was able to clearly say No, I am not God. I found out later there's a book called Not God that many in recovery find useful. Admitting that I am not God nor a god was the beginning of a life of great faith and joy. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Ahhh, such peace.
That is exactly what I did when diagnosed with lupus. Hated it and disagreed with it so much I drove from London to Sheffield to try and get someone to undiagnose me. I felt I needed fixing and had the power to do so - spurred on in no small measure by a rheumatologist friend.
Thank you, Gabrielle, for sharing this poignant and perceptive reflection on your acute awareness of your heart condition and the many unknowns that left you feeling vulnerable. As doctors we can never fully comprehend the reality of our patients; perhaps the limits of our empathy help to keeps us sane and grounded enough to allow us to spread a safety net for them so that they can relinquish the burden of staying in control or the fear of losing control. Best wishes for many many years of making a difference to many with your work and your words.
Looking back at my own medical history over the years, some of the best care I ever got was my doctor refusing to do what I thought should be done. And each time when he explained the reason for the decision it resolved a lot of the fear and concern that I had come in struggling with. Thanks for an insightful essay.
More precisely, it was the detailed explanation from an eligible person about why they were declining to do what I had requested. Somewhat similar to your case.
Thank you Gabriel. I can understand why we surgeons have such an illusion of control. But it is just that - an illusion. We are all so fragile.
Thank you so much. It’s an honour to hear from you.
"the human ability to make meaning, over and over, is the best defence we have against the great unknown" YES
Thank you
Even though I’ve worked in the NHS for over 30 years in a non-clinical role, it never ceases to amaze me how we expect doctors to somehow be apart from the rest of us. That there’s another universe where they’re not their role but a normal human beings with children, messy relationships, failing parents and health issues. I do agree that there’s great peace to be had with accepting a decision over which you have no control. Thank you for sharing this.
Thanks Moira. That’s a very perceptive observation. And I appreciate you taking the time to read my piece.
I’m forever amazed at how many of my husbands patients don’t realise he’s not perfect, he’s not as gently understanding once he walks in the door of home as he is (apparently) during appointments. For the 10-15 minutes they see him, they think they have a pretty good understanding of his personality-and they probably do -but it’s his ‘work personality’. No person can be expected to be like that in all areas of their lives. We all wear different hats at work and then at home. We’ve been married well over 30years.
I’ve always found it a bit funny that he counsels women when they are depressed about their husbands doing whatever terrible thing they are. I’ve often thought I should make an appointment and plonk down my Medicare card. I’m not sure I’d be bulk billed either. I have my own GP appointment this afternoon. His wife probably gets a different version of him at home -to what I do during my ten minutes. He very kindly bulk bills me out of courtesy, because my husband is a GP. That’s a lovely and appreciated bonus.
Meanwhile our first Grandchild arrived recently. I think it’s lovely that the new Grandpa can call in on his way home from work and check his tiny patch of excema on that beautiful baby. Grandson. Swap hats again and then come home. Putting on the ‘home hat’. Get up the next day, rinse and repeat.
That’s so insightful and I totally agree, both about what my husband is like and myself as well. Your husband is lucky to have such an understanding wife. Thank you for this deep insight and massive congratulations to you on the birth of your grandchild. How wonderful!
Thankyou so much Gabriel, I genuinely appreciate that.
Not sure he’d necessarily agree. 😂
OF COURSE, sometimes the plot thickens. Add to that, we have a special needs son -our youngest of three. Forgive me if this is TMI. PLEASE feel free to delete the post if you wish. He is autistic -but has cerebral palsy as well. The cerebral palsy is almost certainly a result of a nasty placental issue (grade 4 percreta) requiring a classical C-Section -as opposed to a LUSCS. Not sure how many of those are still done but it almost certainly saved both my life and our sons. Sometimes we have to be grateful for the things that go right..instead of reacting to the things that go left….err….wrong.
I was relieved that I got away with uterus intact even though the placenta and huge blood vessels remained insitu, basically bc trying to remove them would have seen me bleeding to death. Not the best outcome really. My husband has done shared care -obstetric. I think it’s been difficult for him seeing all these healthy pregnancies etc coming through his clinic. I’m shielded from that and just focus on our family at home as best I can. The hardest part for me was signing a piece of paper saying I knew there was a chance I might not survive the surgery. Cerebral palsy was never mentioned -it was all the potential things that could have happened to me that was the focus, including delivering in a non maternity hospital so I had access to ICU. He’s now 18, in a wheelchair and has never known life without CP. It has been difficult for his older siblings that went from having a ‘normal’ Mum to having a Mum that had Medical issues due to the new babies delivery. I’ll spare you those details.
What amazed me is the number of ppl (including friends and even some Medical colleagues) that didn’t understand why we didn’t sue the Doctor/s. No amount of possibly ruining someone’s career, OR ANY amount of money was ever going to ‘undo’ cerebral palsy’, nor was it going to undo my issues. The idea that someone always has to be to blame. -we are in Australia-and heading to a place about as litigious as the US. I’m just grateful we both survived -bc two other children could have grown up without a Mum. Has it been easy watching all the surgeries for spastic diplegia CP? No, but sometimes things that are difficult to cope with happen. No one knows that better than you do. Onward and Upward ⚜️✨⚜️✨⚜️
Thank you for telling me this. And I understand why trying to make peace with something is at odds with fighting. I send you all my best.
Really interesting perspective, Sonia, thank you.
Thanks Moira, I really enjoyed reading your post. It’s slowly getting better that people don’t put Doctors on pedestals quite the way they used to, but there are still definitely older patients that do whatever the Doctor says. Good thing he didn’t get too used to that eh. Our daughter is a Nurse. She didn’t look up in awe to the Consultants, the way some of the other student Nurses did. I guess that comes from living with one and seeing they really are just people with a very special job. The Nurses do a pretty amazing job too.
Totally agree and it’s definitely getting better.
A thought-provoking article.
I find it very interesting that we can convince ourselves that something that we don't want has to happen, to the extent where we work through the process in detail and then, relatively easily, can be reassured that it wasn't necessary after all. How often do patients go through that process?
I went through several imaginary consultations with a neurosurgeon, the imaginary urgent surgical removal of a slipped cervical disc and a rather stormy, imaginary post-operative period before seeing my general practitioner. She agreed to send me for a scan which didn't show much, but completely cured my symptoms.
Do you think you might have reacted differently if you had seen the cardiologist face-to-face with the echocardiogram report rather than receiving it and the multidisciplinary team meeting conclusions by an impersonal email?
I love and appreciate your reaction to the diagnosis you received, his reaction to the case, what you learned about yourself as a human and a doctor, and how it shapes your perspective now.
Thank you for this great comment.
'The human ability to make meaning...' And to give that meaning to others. Thank you, Gabriel
Ohhh My Goodness!! That’s not the sort of thing that you’d ordinarily expect your ‘inbox’ to surprise you with. Heart surgery in the next few years, and in the meantime, you should get on and enjoy your life? Can’t really think of a scarier email to receive myself.
Those of us that aren’t in the Medical profession might make the dreadful mistake of consulting ‘Dr Google’, that always seems to go to worst case scenario first, or is that just what we happen to spy -and read first. Trying not to panic. Sometimes ignorance really is bliss, and I’ve found myself feeling sorry for the medical profession at times when finding out (confronting)information about their own health -as you did, or finding out information about a family member and being asked ‘What does that all mean?” What should I do?”
Could easily become a mini consult without all the information and test results you might need to give the advice you’d usually give at work. Add to that the emotional tie to that particular family member. Guess there’s a reason they say ‘Don’t give family members medical advice….or is it ‘DONT TREAT family members? Medical ‘advice’ can be rather a different thing. Like giving a friend ‘advice’ about some small dilemma in their lives. In our case, it’s often asked for, (what do you think that mole is?) but rarely offered unsolicited…and when it is, it’s more likely to be ‘you need to do more exercise’.
All in all you’re completely correct -least I think . We have surprisingly little control over what happens to us. Maybe it’s the lack of that control that is what causes the anxiety? I guess that’s where “Faith’ comes in -and I don’t necessarily mean ‘religion’. But Faith or ‘HOPE’ that things will work out. Sadly, bad things happen to good people all the time. You only have to open Instagram to see posts from parents dealing with grief from losing a child that had cancer that wasn’t able to be ‘cured’, or it came back after initial treatment looked promising. It’s heartbreaking.
I think of the Doctors that had to break that news to those parents and their child. I think of the Nurses that came in after the Doctor had been called to another patient, whether they wanted to go or not. The nurses sitting there trying to console, or give hope, or hand over tissues. Sometimes when my husband comes home from work (GP) and he’s lost a patient. Someone whose family he has treated for decades. Someone who has very kindly given our family boxes of chocolates or a bottle of alcohol at Christmas -or the very sweet wife that has hand made beautiful little biscuits that we ate with our kids whilst opening gifts in front of our blinking lights tree.
I can understand why it’s so hard to lose patients. Often they have seen more of them at times than they have their own family, and vulnerable times at that during Home visits when the patient was too sick to attend the surgery. etc. He can return that patients medical file to work (once small cardboard and paper rectangles that were covered in my husband’s writing. Different colours for different days and years. Some words underlined. All with the date in front of a new entry. They have now all been computerised. He doesn’t usually mention those patients unless he attends the funeral, and there aren’t many of those. They stay forever linked in eachothers lives/famillies, even if they never meet his wife, children, and now Grandchild. Doesn’t make the link any less important.
He can most definitely shut the Computer to come and watch TV with his family, but the memories of all those patients remain. Wish you all the very best with your own Medical journey Gabriel. Both personally and professionally. Sorry I didn’t mean for this post to end up so long.
I love it. I’ve woken to a still sea, a blue sky and your lovely and perceptive messages. Thanks so much for taking the time to read my pieces and share your experiences.
You have an absolute gift for writing Gabriel. I’m so glad you found it and more than that, shared it here. ☺️
Thanks Sonia. Funny thing is, I have 3 books published in the US (as well as here). But no-one has really heard of me stateside, so they aren’t bought much. Thanks for your support.
Guess who is going to Google you and find your books! Thankyou for telling me!
Viva La France -happy Travels. Thankyou for the recommendation. I’m off to listen. ☺️
Where do I start?? Direct Red, Dirty work or Alive?? All are on audible and I can’t wait ti listen to all three!! But which one first?? Congratulations on being a published author! Im embarrassed I didn’t realise how famous you are. Now I know. We are also the same age.
Best start with Direct Red. (Am heading off to France this am so gonna dash now)
Thanks for sharing! Sounds like a good book to explore. I'll put it on my reading list. When I first arrived in recovery, one of the first things I was asked was if I believed in God. I didn't. Then I was asked if I thought I was God. I was able to clearly say No, I am not God. I found out later there's a book called Not God that many in recovery find useful. Admitting that I am not God nor a god was the beginning of a life of great faith and joy. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Ahhh, such peace.
So glad to hear that.
That is exactly what I did when diagnosed with lupus. Hated it and disagreed with it so much I drove from London to Sheffield to try and get someone to undiagnose me. I felt I needed fixing and had the power to do so - spurred on in no small measure by a rheumatologist friend.
Did it work, Claire? What an experience!
No!
I can laugh now at the memory…
Just discovered your writing and Substack. Thank you, for the clean eloquence of expression, and the resonance I have found in your pieces.
Comments like yours are why I write. Heartfelt thanks for this.
Thank you, Gabrielle, for sharing this poignant and perceptive reflection on your acute awareness of your heart condition and the many unknowns that left you feeling vulnerable. As doctors we can never fully comprehend the reality of our patients; perhaps the limits of our empathy help to keeps us sane and grounded enough to allow us to spread a safety net for them so that they can relinquish the burden of staying in control or the fear of losing control. Best wishes for many many years of making a difference to many with your work and your words.
Thank you Ramani. I absolutely agree, our separation is what allows us to take on the burden. Thank you for your engagement and kind words.
Looking back at my own medical history over the years, some of the best care I ever got was my doctor refusing to do what I thought should be done. And each time when he explained the reason for the decision it resolved a lot of the fear and concern that I had come in struggling with. Thanks for an insightful essay.
That’s so interesting. It’s almost like a kind of parental boundary, in how reassuring it can feel? Thanks for reading and commenting.
More precisely, it was the detailed explanation from an eligible person about why they were declining to do what I had requested. Somewhat similar to your case.
I'm so happy I found you. (The Things We Never Say is already in my to-read pile, along now with Direct Red)
So pleased.
It is always so humbling to be on the other side of the exam. Best wishes on whenever surgery is needed. This was a good exploration.
Thanks Istiaq for taking the time to read and comment. It means a lot to me.
Good thing to wake up to 😁
Such a powerful read Gabriel. Thank you for sharing Sam (Blessed Yoga Sam!) xx
Thank you so much, Sam. I really appreciate it. 🩷
Absolute cracker. Left me floating through what has past to whatever comes next.